I rest so I can become

changing what success looks like

Welcome to Spirals, a space to voice all which moves through me as I journey through life cyclically, sensually and slightly chaotically. May my words plant seeds of joy, wonder and inspiration.

Art by Felice Casorati

I used to equate work with success, consistency with success, pushing and pushing and pushing with success.

the world taught me this.

from working class family dynamics; weekly earnings being counted out to the last penny, scarcity mindsets, working wasn’t something to enjoy, it was something to endure.

to mainstream education; the expectation to show up consistently 5 out of 7 days a week, feeling stressed, inadequate, uninspired but what did it matter? everyone was under the same pressure. Push harder, do better, you need this for your future.

& transitioning into adulthood; working 9-5, eating, sleeping, doing it day, after day, after day, maybe a once a year holiday in between, twice if you really master the art of success, keep going even when you don’t feel like you can, over-work to be seen, eventually you’ll make it and you may even get that mortgage, nice car or fancy wedding.

Fight, push, prosper, compete, achieve, maintain, move, gain, go.

From the very beginning of my existence, the world gave me a model to conform to. A model based on values and goals far removed from what I knew to be innately true, yet one I tried to meet countless times. A model that perpetuated low self-esteem, shame and addiction as I tried so desperately to fight against a system that ultimately was never created to serve me.

Me.

She who is cyclical, guided by a rhythm greater than a 24-hr internal clock. A deeper cycle moves within. Gently mirroring the 28 day moon, embodying the turning tides of menstruation to ovulation and the wax and wane between.

Me.

She who is sensitive and introverted, easily overwhelmed at the countless societal norms and the judgemental eyes silently communicating that she should be doing more. Life can often feel more terrifying than it ever does exciting.

Portals to Rest

and so I rest.

I rest so I can become.

Rest allows me to slow down, connect and reimagine.

It allows me to be with my RAGE.

Rage at what I have done to me, what the world has done to me, what the world has done to all of us.

Broken dreams, lost potential, lives not even half-fulfilled. The ignored bodily whispers that turn into loud, depraved screams, the kind which makes your hair fall out and an inability to even leave the house.

And the fear we carry at what may actually be if we decide to become all that we dreamed we could be.

I will get not to where I need to be, but where I desire to be and I will do that without urgency, guided by community.

Collective care, collective imagination, collective rest.

I create my own values, goals and passions and I get to decide what working hard and being consistent look like to me; how that manifests in my life, with my dreams but, before any of that, I REST.

it is through rest that I can work

it is through rest that I can be consistent

and one day I will laugh in my hammock at the patriarchy that made me believe I wouldn’t amount to anything unless I did everything except rest.

In fact, I’m already laughing.

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